The fantasy language I wish I could understand

Forget Klingon--I wish I could speak Beep. What is Beep, you ask? It's the mysterious language in which so many appliances speak nowadays. I'm (mostly) over the human anxiety that beeping comes five seconds before exploding, and I'm no longer wary of the newish dishwasher, not that I am really certain what the dishwasher was threatening me with when it beeped at me; perhaps that it would shoot a jet of water at me like a displeased octopus?

A little while ago, I accidentally touched the electronic fly zapper in the kitchen and it beeped at me (twice! the ominous double beep!)and I found myself wondering if it thought I was a giant bug and was calculating how much it should up the voltage.

I'm pretty certain I could kick Alan Arkin's ass, but I am a little worried about the appliances. I comfort myself with the (almost) certainty that the cord for the Roomba isn't long enough to reach the attic. On the other hand, if the house appliances manage to turn my toy Turret, I'm probably doomed.

Good news, bad news

Good news: There is a brand-new book just out which offers a history of the real-life Count of Monte Cristo.
The Black Count
by Tom Reiss
Here is the remarkable true story of the real Count of Monte Cristo - a stunning feat of historical sleuthing that brings to life the forgotten hero who
inspired such classics as The Count of Monte Cristo and The Three Musketeers.

Bad news: The following title is not, as I hoped, about the courtship rituals and romantic adventures of bibliophiles but, instead, is about texting.
Textual Intercourse
by Laura Saba